


That Was Not Supposed To Happen

by alkjira



Series: Animal AUs [5]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, Hedgehogs, Magical Accidents, Turtles, a badger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-02
Updated: 2013-10-02
Packaged: 2017-12-28 05:52:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/988478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo once asked Gandalf if Radagast was a great wizard, or if he was more like Gandalf.<br/>I don’t know, where on the scale do we place turning members of the Company into animals? Without meaning to?</p>
            </blockquote>





	That Was Not Supposed To Happen

**Author's Note:**

> My life in fanfic is currently writing angsty Hobbit!Thorin, and things like this. I don't understand it either.
> 
> No pairings tagged, but if you squint I'm sure you'll find a bunch.

“WHY IS BOFUR A HEDGEHOG!?” Thorin roared, making Bofur the hedgehog hiccup and scurry away to try and hide beneath Bilbo’s chair. He got about half-way before getting lost, because he was still wearing his hat, and his entire body was now smaller than his previous head which caused the hat to not be a hat as much as a really effective blindfold.  
   
Grunting something rude Bifur bent down to collect his prickly cousin, making sure to keep the hat between them at all times to avoid said prickles. Bofur might be small, but his spikes looked fairly sharp.  
  
Radagast cleared his throat. “Yes, be careful about touching him, please. Well….” he continued, looking anywhere except for at Thorin. “It’s really a quite fascinating bit of magic, you see-“  
  
A vein on the side of Thorin’s forehead started throbbing. “On second thought,” he said darkly. “I will amend that question to: ‘how long before he is NOT a hedgehog?’”  
  
“Oh not very long at all,” Radagast assured him. “He’ll be back to his normal self in practically no time at all. Itwillonlytakeaweekorso.”  
  
“WHAT?”  
  
At the other end of the table Gandalf exchanged a look with Beorn. Luckily Thorin did not see that it was an amused one or he would have given up on Wizards forever.  
  
“Well, my dear boy,” Radagast said nervously, slowly edging his way towards the door. “Things like this just can’t immediately reverse themselves. Just think of the shock it would be for the poor fellow. Two legs, four legs, then two legs again! And we shan’t even mention the rest of it. NO, I SAID NOT TO TOUCH HIM!”  
  
The last part was shouted to Bilbo as Radagast spotted the Hobbit reaching out a hand for Bofur.  
  
Bifur had placed his hedgehogged cousin on the table, and the former Dwarf was just in the process of uncurling from his hat at Bilbo’s request. The shout startled Bilbo enough to make him flinch and press the side of his hand against Bofur who had once again curled up in a tight ball.  
  
Instantly, there was another hedgehog in the room as well as the lack of one Hobbit. Stranger -  though the maximum level of strange _might_ already have been reached upon Bofur’s sudden transformation, was the sudden lack of one Fíli and one Ori as well.  
  
“Why did you turn them into rocks!” Kíli said with flashing eyes. “They didn’t even _do_ anything.”  
  
Nori casually pulled a dagger from his sleeves and just as casually Dori bent a fork in half, then bent it back when Beorn glared at him for destroying the cutlery.  
  
“They’re quite fine I assure you,” Radagast said. “But that was quite unexpected, I must say.”  
  
The Fíli rock stirred slightly and four short, stout legs popped out from his sides together with a head wearing the sourest expression most of the Dwarfs had ever seen. And yes, that was including Thorin’s every time the words ‘Elves’, 'Dragons' or 'Azog' were mentioned.  
  
“This is not a quest for pincushions and rocks with legs,” Thorin gritted out from behind clenched teeth. “Turn them-“  
   
“Turtles.” Radagast sniffed. “They're turtles. I would have thought that a Dwarf would-“  
   
“They're my nephew and my scribe! ”Thorin roared. “And that is my burglar-“ he pointed to Bilbo who had crawled off the table into the hat to join Bofur. “And my… Bofur…” Thorin trailed off.  
  
“He’s my _brother_ ,” Bombur said with a glare, and Bifur banged his fist on the table, prompting a series of alarmed clicks from the hedgehogs as well as the disappearance of Fíli’s limbs. Ori seemed content to continue staying inside his shell.  
   
“You _will_ turn them back,” Thorin demanded, glaring darkly at the brown Wizard.  
  
“I _can’t_ ,” Radagast said apologetically. “But it really should only be a week, and wouldn’t the rest do you good either way?”  
  
“I'll help look after them,” Beorn rumbled. “I don’t lack for experience.“  
   
“He's done this before!?” Glóin thundered. “Wizard or not, this is _not_ honourable.”  
  
“I meant experience with _animals_ ,” Beorn said after casting a somewhat dark look at Gandalf, possibly for having brought these thick people to his door in the first place. “And I should be able to touch them without problem even if you cannot.”  
  
“Let’s not try,” Radagast said with an uneasy look in Thorin’s direction as the mere idea of having more of his company transformed caused the Dwarf's eyes to darken.  
  
“And why is that?” Nori asked Beorn. “What makes you-“  
  
Quite suddenly there was a great big bear sitting where Beorn had been only the moment before, then just as quick,  the Man was again a Man.  
   
“I think that the magic should not bother with me,” Beorn said smugly.  
  
“I’d say that you are correct, my dear boy,” Radagast nodded. “You are already quite in touch with your animal side.”  
  
“ _Animal_ _side_? Are you telling me that it’s no coincidence that my brother ended up as a turrturr?” Kíli asked, peering cautiously down at Fíli who waved a stubby leg at him. Possibly in a rude gesture.  
  
“Perhaps not,” Radagast said. “But I wouldn’t swear on it, no I would not. And he’s a _turtle_.”  
   
“HE’S MY NEPHEW!” Thorin bellowed, smacking both his palms down on the table. Bofur and Bilbo had both uncurled again and had been peeking out over the brim of the hat, but as Thorin’s hands hit the wood they instantly curled up tight.  
  
When everyone turned to glare at him Thorin swore and let his head drop to the table. Fíli began to crawl over to him, but Beorn didn't have any trouble lifting him away before he could pat his uncle consolingly on the head.  
  
-  
  
“They don’t do very much,” Kíli said to Nori. They were both watching their brothers play at being rocks next to a pond in Beorn’s gardens. “Are we sure that they remember who they are?”  
  
“The Wizard said that they remembered at least some things,” Nori said. “Maybe their heads are just too small now?”

A few minutes later of watching Fíli and Ori lie in the sun, Bilbo and Bofur trotted up to join them by the pond as well. Though Bilbo was nearly invisible beneath what had to be a flowerbed’s worth of blossoms sticking to his spines.  
  
“What happened to our burglar?” Kíli asked Dwalin who followed the two hedgehogs.  
  
“He did revolting things with a garlic he found in Beorn’s kitchen,” Dwalin said with a disgusted frown. “I cannot even describe it, lad. But it led to Dori thinking that the burglar needed a bit of help in the perfume department. ”  
  
“I see,” Kíli did, though he didn’t. It seemed safer not to ask more questions.  
  
Fíli snapped lazily after a fly and offered it to Ori.  
  
-  
  
Radagast beamed at Thorin who was looking down in shock at the hedgehog making his way down from Thorin's boot. Or to be more precise, the Dwarf was looking at the little pile of hedgehog excrement Bilbo had just left there.  
  
“Why, how wonderful!” Radagast said delightedly. “Oh, I remember the first time Sebastian pooped on my things. That means he’s not scared of you,” he told Thorin. “And it’s a great sign of trust.”  
  
Thorin would rather have another hug.  
  
-  
  
The next time Bilbo approached Thorin’s feet the Dwarf naturally felt a bit weary, but he held out hope that this would be one of the times when the former-Hobbit’s more sensible side would prevail.

They were all sitting inside Beorn’s main hall, with the Company; including animals and Wizards, gathered around the table with their host while Thorin had escaped to one of the big armchairs by the fireplace.  
  
Surely Bilbo would not think that relieving himself in the middle of the hall would be a good idea? Then again, Bilbo did seem to have an aversion for doing so when there were too many people around so it was possible he had sought Thorin out for this exact purpose.  
  
Bilbo hopped up on Thorin’s left boot and then determinedly started climbing his leg. Gravity won before he got further than Thorin's ankle, and attempt two and three met similar results. With a sigh the Dwarf leaned  down and offered his open palm for Bilbo to step onto. Only after Bilbo had trotted onto it like it was his personal property Thorin remembered that he was _not_ supposed to touch the bespelled members of his Company.  
   
"Burglar," Thorin said and Bilbo huffed something in reply, nudging his nose against Thorin's thumb. “I appear _not_ to have transformed into a pincushion.”  
  
The beady eyes of a hedgehog made it a tad difficult to shoot someone a disdainful look, but Bilbo tried his best. The resulting expression was surprisingly endearing.  
   
"I guess you have transcended swords or axes," Thorin murmured when sharp spines brushed against his fingers. "But forgive me if the thought of you throwing yourself at an Orc fills me with even less comfort than before."  
   
Something nudged against his boot and when Thorin looked down he was met by Bofur's dark peppercorn eyes, somehow just as kind and trusting as they were when he was still a Dwarf.  
   
Well, if it went all right the first time...  
   
A hedgehog now in each hand, Thorin leaned back in his chair and wondered if his father and grandfather ever had to deal with things like this. He couldn't remember ever seeing a Wizard in Erebor, and he was pretty sure he now knew the reasons for that.  
   
When another nudge came to his boot and it was revealed to be his nephew, Thorin didn't even sigh.  
  
-  
   
“Is Thorin really-!”  
  
“Shh,” Dwalin said and smacked the back of Kíli’s head lightly. “Don’t wake them.”

Thorin was asleep by the fire and curled up in his lap lay two hedgehogs and two turtles. Though the turtles was not really curled up as much as just… lying  there. Ori was again completely tucked into his shell, and all that was visible of Fíli was his chubby little green tail.  
  
The combination of hedgehog and turtle was quite brilliant as there were not many animals less likely to care about needle-sharp spines than the ones who came equipped with their own armour. And while Thorin's armour was not quite as natural - or perhaps more natural; depending on how you viewed spells, it served him well. All four animals and Thorin looked quite comfortable; as much as shells _could_ look comfortable.  
  
“Aren’t hedgehogs supposed to be nocturnal,” Bombur whispered to Dori who shrugged.  
  
“They’re not supposed to be a former Dwarf and Hobbit, but that’s all I know.”  
  
-  
  
When the spell wore out after only three days everyone was quite relieved.  And angry, but the latter was mostly just Bilbo and Ori.  
  
“You fed me _worms_!!!” Bilbo yelled at Kíli.  
   
“You fed me _lettuce_?!” Ori howled, also at Kíli.  
   
“Because he told me too!” Kíli yelled back, and pointed at Beorn who promptly turned into a bear. Ori and Bilbo had no more complaints.  
  
-  
  
They were just about thank Beorn for his hospitality; except Bilbo and Ori who was muttering darkly beneath their breaths when they thought Beorn couldn't hear them, and then Thorin turned into a badger.

**Author's Note:**

> And yes, Radagast is randomly with them at Beorn's. I call this a Radagast-AU.
> 
> Oh, and today's random tip, play a game called Shelter, it's got badgers.   
> Every guy I know who has played Shelter has instantly developed more motherly feelings than I'll ever have. It's fascinating.


End file.
